TOPMAN, HIGH POINT MELBOURNE 16 MARCH 2013

Topman recently opened to much fanfare and by that I mean it was mentioned in a newspaper, in the newly refurbished and repositioned High Point. Perhaps the long standing nickname Knife Point will no longer be applicable as West Melbourne's finest shopping centre attempts to attract the more discerning shopper. This repositioning I believe will be much like when S Club 7 rebranded themselves as S Club 3 due to loss of members, a wise yet ultimately unsuccessful decision.

Here is the outfit I put together with current seasons fashions. This wasn't cherry picked from the best Topman had to offer, the options for outfits of this calibre were limitless. 

I'm not exactly sure what the MO was for the designers on this one but if it was something along the lines of "what a taxi driver would have worn in 1994" they fucking nailed it. I remember in the 90s when every opportunity shop, or charity shop or thrift shop, depending on where you're from, had literally thousands of these shirts. They were so abundant the shops in question sold them by the kilo. You could walk to the counter with a bag full, where they'd weigh them and then charge you $1. The weight didn't matter, they just wanted to get rid of them. The only people purchasing were taxi drivers and people with acquired brain injuries. Fast forward 15 years and every dickhead with a penchant for slow drip coffee and vegan bread (isn't all bread vegan?) owns a dozen of these things.

Top shop have gone the extra yard and allowed you to team the shirt with cut off tapered sweat pants in a fetching maroon shade and a hat that, well, I don't even fucking know where to begin.

I guess the hat does have a place in society, that place is on the head of a dude begging for change between hacky sack sessions in the worst fucking town on the planet. 

I know what you're thinking, "that shirt, pant and hat combo is fine for a warm day but what about when it gets a little cold in the evening"?

Luckily Top Shop have provided adequate warmth in the form of a faux aztec print denim jacket.

Denim has done the rounds, let's be fair. People wore it over a hundred years ago and I can't see a time when people won't wear denim jeans. I can however see a time when people won't be wearing shitty printed denim jackets and that time is called "forever".

Top Man is at least consistent on an international level, churning out wears that were marginally popular 20 years ago and hoping a new generation won't care that they look shitty as vintage is perpetually cool. 

WOMEN'SECRET - ALL OVER EUROPE

This is a departure from previous posts, but something that needs to be addressed nonetheless.

A fucking Winnie the Pooh thong. Get the fuck out of here.

What is the purpose of a thong, or g-string as they are known in select parts of the world? I assume it is to make the wearer look and feel sexier than they would if they were wearing conventional underwear. It could be for the comfort factor but probably not. No dude anywhere in the world would find a chick wearing a Winnie the Pooh g-string sexier than if she were wearing, say, anything else that fucking exists in the realm of underwear. Now, I'm not an underwear designer, but if I was I'd be attempting to make the wearer look more attractive to whomever they are revealing their knickers to, not like a 12 year old girl. At best the designer of this garment has misinterpreted the demographic, at worst he is probably a sex offender.

If you were wondering, yes there is a matching bra, and yes that shit is equally as weak. Who is buying this stuff? Not dudes that is for sure. I'm going to safely say nobody.

I just want to make it clear, I'm not ragging on Winnie the Pooh himself. That dude is totally into honey, and honey is indeed awesome, so I can get behind him on that front. He just isn't sexy. Nor is any Disney shit.

Women'secret have a lot to learn and if they want to avoid bankruptcy I suggest they take a look at the work of Agent Provocateur. These dudes know what is up. This advert is sexy with some kind of creepy zombie thing happening and a death metal soundtrack. While not for everyone I think we can all agree it is better than a Winnie the Pooh thong.

Check out their other shitty merchandise at http://womensecret.com/ 

Istanbul, Turkey 28 October 2011, TOPMAN

Putting together my own horse-shit outfit is way too easy. I decided the way to go was to take a look TOPMAN was recommending in the way of their mannequin display and then recreate this look to show them that said look is indeed fucking stupid.

This is what they gave me to work with.

The first issue that needs to be dealt with is Carrot Jeans. Get the fuck outta here. These things look ridiculous on everyone, no question about it. Has anyone ever said "yeah I'm looking for a a pair of pants that have the comfort of MC Hammer pants in the crotch area but then taper in like skinny jeans at the bottom". I fucking doubt it. Those that have were either being sarcastic or have suffered a brain injury at some stage in their life. These ones are also yellow, taking them to a new level of balls.

The next problem I have with this shit is leather elbow patches. The reason I have a problem with leather elbow patches is that you can't just sew this shit onto anything and make it 'new'. Leather elbow patches on a tweed blazer? Sure, if you're a high school science teacher why not? Leather elbow patches on a woollen zip up jumper. Fuck no. Fashion dudes, choose your elbow patches wisely as they run the risk of overexposure. Remember what happened with Cargo pants? I don't want to see that shit again.

Wooden peace necklace? Are you fucking kidding me?

Mickey mouse shirts belong for sale in two places only, shops aimed at people under the age of 8 and Japan. Are you trying to sell Disney shit in somewhere other than one of these places? Fucking forget it. No chick wants to bang a dude in a Donald Duck shirt and that is what's important here. Next.

The chambray shirt is kinda shitty. They are exclusively worn by dudes who work for companies that make them wear it. This one is super edgy however as it is missing a pocket. Fuck you. That isn't designing clothes. Quick unpicking a pocket off something doesn't make it new. So the chambray is back, as decided by some asshole who has a brother who has a warehouse with 40 000 of them left over from 1986. That's all fashion is, finding dead stock in a warehouse and bringing it back 20 years later. Watch out next summer, peddle pushers for chicks, probably a healthy dose of cheesecloth and corduroy will be everywhere, probably in a skinny jean format.

Split, Croatia 22 September 2011 Zara

Today I'm wearing red pants a ridiculous acrylic sweater that is half blue and white striped and half some hippy bullshit and a camo straw hat. Red pants, get the fuck out of here. If you want to wear pants, and I do encourage this practice, don't wear red ones. I recommend blue, black or grey. This isn't Stussy in 1996, get with the program. Regarding the sweater, why can't designers stick with one idea? Blue and white striped sweater, sure why not? Hippy bullshit? Best kept for days playing hackey sack with a dog. Combining the two, that shit just flat out sucks. If you see someone wearing this on the street, punch them in the balls.

For my second outfit I've gone with some stupid pink and grey shorts and a flannel puffer vest. Get out of my life Zara designers.

Here I've shown that not only are these items bullshit, they can also be worn in a number of ways. I've taken the vest from outfit two, reversed it and combined it with outfit one for a look that can only be described as fucking terrible.  

If you work as a designer or buyer for Zara you are truly an asshole.