Istanbul, Turkey 28 October 2011, TOPMAN

Putting together my own horse-shit outfit is way too easy. I decided the way to go was to take a look TOPMAN was recommending in the way of their mannequin display and then recreate this look to show them that said look is indeed fucking stupid.

This is what they gave me to work with.

The first issue that needs to be dealt with is Carrot Jeans. Get the fuck outta here. These things look ridiculous on everyone, no question about it. Has anyone ever said "yeah I'm looking for a a pair of pants that have the comfort of MC Hammer pants in the crotch area but then taper in like skinny jeans at the bottom". I fucking doubt it. Those that have were either being sarcastic or have suffered a brain injury at some stage in their life. These ones are also yellow, taking them to a new level of balls.

The next problem I have with this shit is leather elbow patches. The reason I have a problem with leather elbow patches is that you can't just sew this shit onto anything and make it 'new'. Leather elbow patches on a tweed blazer? Sure, if you're a high school science teacher why not? Leather elbow patches on a woollen zip up jumper. Fuck no. Fashion dudes, choose your elbow patches wisely as they run the risk of overexposure. Remember what happened with Cargo pants? I don't want to see that shit again.

Wooden peace necklace? Are you fucking kidding me?

Mickey mouse shirts belong for sale in two places only, shops aimed at people under the age of 8 and Japan. Are you trying to sell Disney shit in somewhere other than one of these places? Fucking forget it. No chick wants to bang a dude in a Donald Duck shirt and that is what's important here. Next.

The chambray shirt is kinda shitty. They are exclusively worn by dudes who work for companies that make them wear it. This one is super edgy however as it is missing a pocket. Fuck you. That isn't designing clothes. Quick unpicking a pocket off something doesn't make it new. So the chambray is back, as decided by some asshole who has a brother who has a warehouse with 40 000 of them left over from 1986. That's all fashion is, finding dead stock in a warehouse and bringing it back 20 years later. Watch out next summer, peddle pushers for chicks, probably a healthy dose of cheesecloth and corduroy will be everywhere, probably in a skinny jean format.

Split, Croatia 22 September 2011 Zara

Today I'm wearing red pants a ridiculous acrylic sweater that is half blue and white striped and half some hippy bullshit and a camo straw hat. Red pants, get the fuck out of here. If you want to wear pants, and I do encourage this practice, don't wear red ones. I recommend blue, black or grey. This isn't Stussy in 1996, get with the program. Regarding the sweater, why can't designers stick with one idea? Blue and white striped sweater, sure why not? Hippy bullshit? Best kept for days playing hackey sack with a dog. Combining the two, that shit just flat out sucks. If you see someone wearing this on the street, punch them in the balls.

For my second outfit I've gone with some stupid pink and grey shorts and a flannel puffer vest. Get out of my life Zara designers.

Here I've shown that not only are these items bullshit, they can also be worn in a number of ways. I've taken the vest from outfit two, reversed it and combined it with outfit one for a look that can only be described as fucking terrible.  

If you work as a designer or buyer for Zara you are truly an asshole.